Hesitation

"I love you without knowing

how, or when, or from where.

I love you straightforwardly

without complexities or pride.

So, I love you because I know

no other way than this."

-Pablo Neruda

     Fear in the Christian life is singlehandedly one of the most famous, and evil maneuvers that satan uses to paralyze God's children. However, fear has a partner that feeds it, and causes it to become a disease that snakes through the heart of even the strongest Christian. Fear does not work alone, and even when you think you have conquered it fully, you have yet to conquer it's partner: Hesitation. 

     To have a fear is one thing. Everyone is scared of what God has planned for them. I know that I certainly was. What has God told you to do that has become a real and constant fear in your life? Are you called to preach but you have a fear of speaking in front of people? Are you called to minister in a foreign area and you don't know where to even begin? Are you called to teach a four year old Sunday school class, but you are scared of what to say? We have all been there. God never said that it would be easy, and I believe that He allows those fears in our lives to test our faith in Him. If we never feared the unknown, who would we trust? Would we really trust Him blindly to take care of us if we didn't fear anything? True faith in Jesus lies in our decision to step out into the unknown and say, "God, I'm scared, but I will trust in You". That is hard, but if we hold onto our fears, we are risking not only our lives, but the lives of millions of people we will not reach with the Gospel.

     To hesitate is something totally different. Hesitating is like taking a half step towards true faith in Jesus Christ. You no longer have a solid fear of His will for your life, but you are hesitant in your actions. I know that when God called me to China, I experienced the fear, and I fought Satan daily until I completely surrendered to God. However, I was content to talk about China, but talking about it here in America did nothing for the Chinese people who had never heard the Gospel. I was content to think about China, but thinking about it wasn't going to lead one soul to Christ. I was hesitating. I thought in the mindset of what was good for ME. I would go back when it was convenient for ME. I figured I would get out of school, maybe get a job, and then go back to China to serve for a while. But God was quick to remind me that when I surrendered to Him, that HE was now in control. You cannot surrender to God and plan your life. When you give Him control, He has control. I had stepped out of fear, and stepped right into hesitation. 

     Jesus was quick to remind me that the lives of the Chinese people were not put on hold simply because I was hesitating. The longer I hesitated, the longer those people would live in darkness, and many would die without a Savior because of my hesitation to go. 

     If you love the Lord, then He has given you a passion for someone or for a group of people that He has designed for you to reach. But, even the greatest passion will die if we hesitate to reach those people. Everyday that we hesitate is another day that someone is living in hopeless darkness, and they will die and be forever separated from God unless we go. The gift Salvation is too precious to keep to ourselves. I can only imagine what life would be like if i spent every single day wondering if someone cared enough to reach me. Put your passion to the test, and take a complete step of faith. One day Jesus will introduce you to the lives that you touched, and it will be because you didn't hesitate to reach them.

"Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering; 

for He is faithful that promised".

-Hebrews 10:23

Perfect Love

"Oh love of God, how rich and pure. How measureless and strong. It shall forevermore endure, the saints and angel's song"

     When I think about how much the Lord has richly blessed me, I am overwhelmed with thankfulness that He would reach out His hand for someone like me. I am nothing and I have nothing to offer an almighty God that has the capability to move mountains with a single word if He wants to. A God so passionate for sinners that He sent His Son to walk the earth as a teacher destined to reach a lost and dying world. A God so passionate, that He would put the sin of the world on the shoulders of His only Son as He brutally died for a world that has no interest in serving Him. What a Savior. He knew that we would curse Him, take His name in vain, begrudgingly sit on a church pew to endure learning about Him, and refuse to tell the world about what He did for them. Yet His arm is still stretched out to us. He is still so in love with us even when we go days without even thinking about Him. Oh, what love.

     I never really appreciated this love until I was consumed with His will for my life. I feel terrible for admitting it, but Jesus was just a compartment of my life. I had school, work, family, friends, and then Christianity. I gave God a corner of my life, and it completely breaks my heart when I think about that now. He loves me so much that He gave His life for me, and I complained because I had to go to church every Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night, and chapel every other day. I was so consumed with my wants and my needs. Selfishness radiated off of me, and it became my tool for skirting God's ultimate commandment.

     Someone once said that the will of God is the safest place you can be. That statement can be thought provoking, intriguing, or easily the most terrifying statement that you have ever read if you are facing the unknown. I never understood that statement until I found my passion in Jesus Christ. The moment I heeded to God's call for my life, I understood an inkling of what God feels for me. He showed me true love through a Heavenly Father's eyes. When I saw the hopeless people of China, I saw what God sees when He sees me. He loves me more than I could possibly fathom, and He was willing to do anything, including dying, to reach me. I do not love the people of China through my own personal ability. There is no way His will could ever be done through my minuscule capability of love. Rather, I love these people with the love of an Almighty God who lives in me and works in spite of me. Through His love, his people will be reached. 

     If you gain absolutely nothing from this blog post, I hope I can encourage you to gain this: You will never love Jesus fully, and you will not be capable of embracing His unchanging love until you are submitted completely and fully to Him. If Jesus is just a compartment of your life like He was in mine, then your life will have no direction, and going through the motions will become your daily routine. Submit to Him, and you will experience the most beautiful love that this world will never be able to comprehend. Love Him above anything and everything, and He will give you something that you will love more than yourself. Because of God's perfect love, I can love the people of China, and through His love I find myself immersed even deeper into this exhilarating, life-changing, purified passion. 

Wildfire

"....Under his glory he shall kindle a burning like the burning of a fire."

 Isaiah 10:16

      I have a fire inside of me. A brilliant and all consuming flame that God has ignited with a powerful purpose that I am not capable of comprehending. This desire has burned a pathway through my spiritual existence and as a result, my insignificant past desires are left in a smoldering pile of ashes. A fire has the capability of destroying, cleansing, scarring, and illuminating. When a spark lays wake in a dry forrest, all of the elements of God's creation cannot stand arm against it. Water cannot quench it. The wind only feeds it. Nothing on this earth has the capability to consume a wildfire once the passion of it's flames meets the determination of it's wrath. 

     God has used my dry and undeserving heart to ignite a magnificent and quietly raging wildfire that is consuming me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I wake up every morning with a burning passion to reach what the Lord has destined this fire to reach. I am a walking ember focused on the flame. I am focused on the journey. I am focused on a people that Jesus loves, but the world has written off. 

     Fire is raging, fire is a consuming element, but you never see fire without seeing....light. A fire has all of the hard capability to consume everything in it's path, but it also has the soft quality of lighting even the blackest of darknesses. No matter where you are in the dark, you know if there is a flame nearby because of the light. When it is dark, you follow the light, right? 

     When I fell head first into this beautiful journey, I was convinced that I would make no difference in the country of China. I pleaded with God, and the devil managed to convince me for the brevity of a moment that I was wasting my time. How could someone as insignificant as me change a person? A family? A whole country? It was me against 1.3 billion people. The world's largest mission field. No other country on earth has as many people in it as the country of China does, and God wanted me there? I actually doubted God. Satan had me convinced that I was nothing, and it was as if God spoke to me at that moment and said, "You are nothing, but I am everything." 

     The fire. No earthly elements can subdue a wildfire, and no demonic element that satan may possess has the ability to touch, let alone quench the spiritual wildfire that God has placed inside of me. Satan may hit me with the raging waters of a thousand storms, but he will never touch the fire. He can toss the winds my way, but he will only stoke the fire. Satan may try his best to put out the fire with the elements, but he can never touch me because my God owns the elements. My God owns the raging waters of a thousand storms. My God owns the tossing winds. So, "get thee behind me, satan" because you only have what God gives you.

     In that moment God showed me that while I have nothing to give to the people of China, He has everything to give. China is blanketed in a blinding darkness, and all they need is just one small flame of light to lead them to The Light. Through my desires, I am just a person capable of absolutely nothing. But through the passion of Jesus Christ, I am a wildfire destined to consume the dark country of China.

      No matter where you are in the dark, you know if there is a flame nearby because of the light. When it is dark, you follow the light. Every soul in China is searching for a spark to rescue them from the darkness. The world my have turned their back on them, but Jesus hasn't. I don't know why God would ever choose to send someone as incapable as me, but I cannot ignore this fire. I am destined to be that small light, and through Jesus Christ, I will be the all consuming wildfire that reaches a nation engulfed in darkness.

"The fire shall ever be burning upon the altar; it shall never go out." Leviticus 6:13

Fear

"Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest." -Joshua 1:9

     Fear is a small word, yet it is saturated with a vast array of emotions that, if fueled efficiently, can run rampant in the heart and mind of a child of God. Fear is the devil's favorite tool. It is a weapon of mass destruction that cripples the mind, and causes even the strongest warriors to freeze in the face of adversity. This spiritual handicap can consume entirely, and slowly melt away the spiritual armor that God has bestowed upon us to fight the ultimate battle. Fear is a weakness. It is a sly approach. It is an evil pursuit. It is a malicious tactic that satan has used to be certain that God's people are sitting on a church pew being idle rather than teaching that Sunday school class or going on that mission trip. Fear is a disease, a very distinct reality, and most importantly, it is an excuse.

     I don't believe there is anything scarier in the life of a Christian than fulfilling a call given by God. Whether God has called you to preach, to teach, or to go to a third world country, it is absolutely terrifying. Suddenly you are caught up in a battle between the flesh and the spirit, and the decision you make could potentially lead thousands to the Lord, or it could destroy not only you, but an entire nation. It is sobering when it occurs to you that God has given every one of His children a job to do. He has called every Christian to do something, to go somewhere, to make a difference, yet more than half of the world's population has never heard the name of Jesus. I believe that fear is the dark, lingering force that has silenced the children of God, and it has convinced us that someone else will go. Someone else will witness to that cashier. Someone else will teach that four year old Sunday school class. Someone else will hand that elderly Chinese man his very first Bible. However, if we are constantly waiting on "someone else", then who is reaching these people? 

     The moment I realized that God was drastically changing my life, and altering it in a beautiful, and absolutely electrifying way, I faced my first enemy: fear. In that instance, I saw how every fine detail of my life had led me to this point. Every decision I had made, every road that I traveled had led me to this exact moment, and it was almost as if I could hear God say, "What are you going to do, Alaina". At the same time I saw satan tossing my fears in my face. He was tantalizing me with things such as, "you don't know the language, how are you going to communicate with these people?", "you are defying the government", "you will have to move away from your family", "there are 1.3 Billion people here, how are you going to make a difference? You are just one person". These very real, and very intense fears shot at me like fiery darts, and caused me to stumble. Suddenly I was caught between reaching a hopelessly dark nation in need of a Savior, and sitting on my couch in the comfort of my lavish American home. I had a decision to make.

     One of the ironies of following Christ is the tendency we have to say pretty words when we are happy and content with our situation. When we are in no danger, we have no discomforts, and we have everything under control, it is so easy to say "Oh, I trust you, Jesus", "You are really all that matters!", "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me!". The test comes when you have no choice but to trust Jesus, when you realize that He really is all that matters, and that without Him, your life would be a devastating mess at best. The moment that satan used my fears against me, the only thing I could say was, "I trust you, Jesus", and it was almost as if He said, "then prove it".

      Right then, I realized that satan's tool was just that. It was only a tool. He could throw as many fiery darts as He wanted to, but I was protected by the strong and everlasting arms of the Creator of this universe. Suddenly I realized that when I feared, I was mocking the Holy God of all of creation. How could I doubt a God that holds every piece of existence in the palm of His hands? If He can move mountains, cease the storm, and conquer the adversary of death, than surely he can protect me in the country of China. Someone once said, "The will of God will not lead you, where the grace of God will not keep you." That saying held no substance for me until God called me on this journey. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has led me to China, and I also know that He is sheltering me in His hands. Everywhere I walk, I am guarded by His indestructible embrace. Through His protective shield, Chinese security cannot touch me, the fear of losing my way cannot claim me, and the devil cannot have me unless He allows it. Therefore, I will trust in my God. I will be strong and courageous, I will not be afraid, for He is with me every where I go, including China. He promised.

"Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest." -Joshua 1:9